Category Archives: Writing

A letter of apology and comments on blue week

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Bonsoir tout le monde,

What a crazy week! I am so sorry for keeping you out of the loop, I have so much to update you on. First off, let me explain this phenomena that I had no idea existed until very recently, Monday to be exact. I was in accounting class, (I’m back in school, I know, I can’t believe it myself) and my prof said something about blue week. I was so confused, she then goes to explain that blue week is supposed to be the most depressing week of the year.

Why you ask? ( I also asked, don’t feel bad)

She explained that it’s after the holiday cheer has worn off, we are offically back at work or school (both for me) we now have to face our holiday shopping credit card bill, and to top it off, the new resolutions we had firmly made are now crumbling beneath our feet.

That does sound pretty depressing.

Then I started to think. What about my new years resolutions?

I’m not as far along as I would have liked. I have yet to go to the gym. My schedule is always changing. So the time I get home is either dedicated to studying, answering work emails, sleeping and very little writing. The time I wake up has also varied, for example if I stay up till past midnight I will not function properly at 5:00 am.

That’s not to say that I’ve given up. Far from it. But I think it’s more important to do your best everyday, because every day is going to be different. I can’t always plan to be in bed by 9:30 every night so I can be up at 5:00. ( sometimes I get out of work at 9:00)  Or go grocery shopping on Saturday to prepare for the week. Or to bring my lunch everyday. Life happens. Today, for example,  I forgot my lunch. I had it packed ready to go, I was having breakfast and I don’t even know how I forgot it.

After that wonderful opening to a class i’m already not a big fan of, I felt a little defeated like the resolutions got to me. The 5am self, the little voice, it won. I could even hear  faintly, in the distance, the victory song.

And then I realized, It’s not over till it’s over.

I almost fell for it.

So sure, I have some balancing to do. We all do to a certain extent. Things aren’t ever really set in stone. And sometimes, If I have a lot to do and I don’t post it’s not because I don’t want to believe me, I have so much fun with all of you. I’ll probably tweet something so you know.

Fun Fact: The only consistent thing in my new years resolutions has been the quiting of coffee! ( although I had a major craving for it on monday, it was all good, I have a great support system and jasmine green tea just rocks my world)

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

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Saro solo un treno in transito and what that means to me

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Bonsoir a tous,

I apologize profusely for not posting yesterday, I came home pretty late and didn’t realize when I had knocked out sleeping.

I was thinking about what to write today and the words wouldn’t flow. I felt some sort of block. ( writer’s block/ writer’s doubt) Most of the time writing comes to me pretty naturally. I have a story I want to share and I do. Before starting this blog I had stacks of notebooks filled with tiny blurbs. Monologues, plays, diary entries, it would be a melange of things. Whatever I was feeling, I would express it, I wouldn’t censor myself. Sometimes I feel like I should censor myself. Even contemplating about the fact that I feel I should censor myself caused me to want to edit myself and that statement. “People don’t want to read that.” And the little voice appears. That little voice that knows when you have an inch of doubt, It could be about anything, writing, a decision. The little voice convinces us not to trust ourselves. And sometimes we believe it. It came from within, it must be right. It’s not. Not always. I believe in listening to our intuition, I think that doesn’t lead us astray. Our intuition would tell us to trust that although things may seem scary, to trust that we will be taken care of. We are works in progress; I used to be focused on the next 3 steps. What will happen next, I wasn’t focusing on what happened in front of me. I remembered the past but wanted to live in the future, that future where everything would finally be settled. What I failed to realize is that we are constantly in motion.

It actually hit me, I learned the lesson when I was in Italy. I was in Calabria, the streets were filled with graffiti. The people each on their individual journeys some walked alone, other in pairs; I watched them until I noticed something spray painted in Italian.  The wall read:

“Saro solo un treno in transito”

I came to find out that it meant. I will only be a train in motion.

In motion, In transition, In progress, in the process of.

I see a train. I see it glide before my eyes. I watch it pass me by. I feel the wind gently caress my face. A smile takes over. Then I realize I’m that train. I’m on a constant journey. The little voice forgets that, it wants us to doubt ourselves, to doubt our potential. However big or small when we fail to be honest with ourselves, we relinquish a little control to the voice that will have us doubt ourselves for life. Nothing will ever be enough for the little voice. When you think about it, the end result of anything is a fleeting moment. The middle, one foot in front of the other, that’s the exciting part, because there’s still so much more ahead and it could be anything, we could make it anything.

Today, I choose to dream, to be happy, right now. Writing, listening to music, be-ing.

Today I choose to be.

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

My Breakup with C

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We need to talk.

I’m not quite sure how to say this. I mean, there is no easy way to say this without someone getting hurt.

You can’t act as if it’s a big surprise. We’ve been on and off for a few months. I’ve expressed my unhappiness,  I said I would finally leave you once and for all. I thought I could ignore the signs, I was so happy,  remember how happy we were? I used to rise and  fall with you. I used to defend you when people talked bad about you, when people urged me to leave you.

We had some great times. You know I’ll never forget you, you were my everything for so many years.  I don’t want to end on bad terms, but I know that if we continue on this path we’re on, you are going to hurt me. I can’t afford that, I’m sorry.

I’ve got a confession to make.

I’ve been with someone else.

It started innocent, T helped me get to sleep, you kept me up all night.

T was there for me when I was sick and would make me feel better.

I felt calmer and  happier.

Soon enough, I started going to T when I wasn’t sick and in need of sleep. It became an everyday thing. I could feel myself missing you,  craving you, wanting to go back to you.  I remembered the good times but that’s all they are now, they’re just good times.

I’m sorry to throw away all of our years  together but I need to be away from you until we could go back to the way we used to be, once upon a time.

Goodbye Coffee,

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

Reflections

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Have you ever wondered about the people in your life? The people you see everyday. They walk by you with headphones in ears, with phones in their hands. They walk by you and look away. What about the people on the bus? In the bus you ride every morning? In the bus leaving the station, all those people who you’ve missed. Those people who are literally going in another direction. Do you ever wonder about them? What about that bus you ran for and missed? Was that on purpose? Were you meant to get on another bus, another track, another path? Do you ever think about timing? Life’s way of telling you that it has a plan for you, that everything has been building to this particular moment, this encounter, this meeting, these people, this change in direction. Perhaps we need to feel lost, out of our comfort zone in order to come back to ourselves.  Is it in adversity that we come to know ourselves best, to understand our nature as individual human beings? In order to learn something we may have lost, to know ourselves better, to accept ourselves, to love ourselves.

Working title. A preview

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Bonsoir tout le monde,

 Recently, I’ve been working on my first full length play. It’s a solo piece and It’s no where near being done, but I’d  like to share an excerpt of it.  I don’t have a title for it yet, nor do I know how it’s going to end. I like not knowing, it’s been quite the adventure.

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

I close my eyes for just a moment and the thought of you comes rushing in. It comes crashing in like a wave. A smile takes over. I then crave the warmth of your touch, your fingers on my hair and the words I used to hear. Instead, I feel the raindrops run from my hair, down my face and hide on my neck. The streets are empty and gray, the rain my sole company. You look so healthy. Balanced.  At peace. I take a second to look at you, oblivious of me. Then I make my way towards you; all that separates us is lights, cars, puddles, seconds, breaths. You turn your head and finally see me, we smile for a moment. My heart beating out of my chest.  I place that moment on infinite pause so when I close my eyes I can see it, time after time again. The hands of time rewind, the rain falls up, the raindrops run back up my neck, up my cheek and forehead. As I walk backwards, I hold on to the tenderness found within your eyes.  Before time runs out, my eyes attempt to rapidly sketch your face,  to remember every detail but I get lost in your eyes. I always did.  The moment has passed. I open my eyes and read, here lies Luca, loyal husband and dutiful son. Until we meet again.