Tag Archives: Ramblings

Saro solo un treno in transito and what that means to me

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Bonsoir a tous,

I apologize profusely for not posting yesterday, I came home pretty late and didn’t realize when I had knocked out sleeping.

I was thinking about what to write today and the words wouldn’t flow. I felt some sort of block. ( writer’s block/ writer’s doubt) Most of the time writing comes to me pretty naturally. I have a story I want to share and I do. Before starting this blog I had stacks of notebooks filled with tiny blurbs. Monologues, plays, diary entries, it would be a melange of things. Whatever I was feeling, I would express it, I wouldn’t censor myself. Sometimes I feel like I should censor myself. Even contemplating about the fact that I feel I should censor myself caused me to want to edit myself and that statement. “People don’t want to read that.” And the little voice appears. That little voice that knows when you have an inch of doubt, It could be about anything, writing, a decision. The little voice convinces us not to trust ourselves. And sometimes we believe it. It came from within, it must be right. It’s not. Not always. I believe in listening to our intuition, I think that doesn’t lead us astray. Our intuition would tell us to trust that although things may seem scary, to trust that we will be taken care of. We are works in progress; I used to be focused on the next 3 steps. What will happen next, I wasn’t focusing on what happened in front of me. I remembered the past but wanted to live in the future, that future where everything would finally be settled. What I failed to realize is that we are constantly in motion.

It actually hit me, I learned the lesson when I was in Italy. I was in Calabria, the streets were filled with graffiti. The people each on their individual journeys some walked alone, other in pairs; I watched them until I noticed something spray painted in Italian.  The wall read:

“Saro solo un treno in transito”

I came to find out that it meant. I will only be a train in motion.

In motion, In transition, In progress, in the process of.

I see a train. I see it glide before my eyes. I watch it pass me by. I feel the wind gently caress my face. A smile takes over. Then I realize I’m that train. I’m on a constant journey. The little voice forgets that, it wants us to doubt ourselves, to doubt our potential. However big or small when we fail to be honest with ourselves, we relinquish a little control to the voice that will have us doubt ourselves for life. Nothing will ever be enough for the little voice. When you think about it, the end result of anything is a fleeting moment. The middle, one foot in front of the other, that’s the exciting part, because there’s still so much more ahead and it could be anything, we could make it anything.

Today, I choose to dream, to be happy, right now. Writing, listening to music, be-ing.

Today I choose to be.

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

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Reflections

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Have you ever wondered about the people in your life? The people you see everyday. They walk by you with headphones in ears, with phones in their hands. They walk by you and look away. What about the people on the bus? In the bus you ride every morning? In the bus leaving the station, all those people who you’ve missed. Those people who are literally going in another direction. Do you ever wonder about them? What about that bus you ran for and missed? Was that on purpose? Were you meant to get on another bus, another track, another path? Do you ever think about timing? Life’s way of telling you that it has a plan for you, that everything has been building to this particular moment, this encounter, this meeting, these people, this change in direction. Perhaps we need to feel lost, out of our comfort zone in order to come back to ourselves.  Is it in adversity that we come to know ourselves best, to understand our nature as individual human beings? In order to learn something we may have lost, to know ourselves better, to accept ourselves, to love ourselves.

Happy Belated holidays and more growing pains

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Bonjour tout le monde,

I hope you had a wonderful time with your loved ones, sharing memories and laughter to last a lifetime. I apologize for not posting. Between cooking, cleaning, babysitting and trying key word “trying” to have a social life. I feel like I’m exhausted by the end of the day and I could be managing my time better.

Yesterday, I ran into a girl I went to highschool with. Now, having finished school and in the “real world” the pressure is on. We exchanged the usual plesantries and then the question we both wanted to avoid came up. “What are you up to right now?”

Needless to say, we both aren’t where we would like to be in our careers. And  I learned that yes, it takes time. I can’t compare myself to other people because it’s not only torture,  but we each have our own journey and with that comes pace.  I want to believe that this is all happening for a reason. And that growing will feel uncomfortable because it is something I’m not used to.  Growing means facing fear head on,rather than running from it. To grow means being outside of our comfort zone and knowing that the lesson will come in unexpected ways.  Looking back on the year it has been a series of ups and downs. Great moments filled with tears of joy and  unfortunately necessary moments filled with tears of grief. I feel like I have been growing but its far from over. There are more things to come, more challenges to face, more people to meet and more memories to make. I look forward to the upcoming year with anticipation and yes, a bit of anxiety.

Tommorow:  The New Years Resolutions.

Thank you for reading,

A la Prochaine,

De moi pour toi

 

 

Ramblings about Change

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life

I’ve been thinking a lot about travelling lately. I can’t exactly pinpoint what it is that has recently compelled me to think about it so much. Sometimes I think it’s less about taking a plane somewhere but rather a change in direction.

The saying goes: “Rome wasn’t built in a day”

Change can be instantaneous. The effects of that change are not.

Change can also happen for a long period of time and the effects can be understood in a single moment, the moment we make sense of the change or that the change happened.

I’ve always wondered about the nature of change. I don’t have the answer all I know for sure is that it’s necessary.

Lately, I feel as if the world is changing all around me. Everything is shifting and I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether to stop it and even if I wanted to I don’t think I could. I wouldn’t know how to, it’s an intuitive feeling; I wish I could it describe better.

The best way I could possibly describe it is this:

Picture you are in the middle of a town. It’s empty. There are buildings all around you. Picture, Western style, with saloons, you almost want to whistle the theme song of The Good, the Bad and the Ugly, but before you do, or you did it’s pretty epic and rather tempting. The buildings start to shift and re-arrange themselves. Like, the awesome cowboy or girl that you are, the protector reflex comes out but you don’t act upon it. Instead you watch these buildings shift and re-arrange themselves knowing that it is necessary. You don’t know how you know, you just know. It’s inexplicably beautiful to watch when you let go and just look.

Has anything like this ever happened to you?

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

What inspires me to write is inspiration itself

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I find inspiration in many things.

Music.

Music literally has the capacity to bring me to tears, to imagine a story unfolding, to see bodies dance, bodies in motion.

The body is a truly remarkable thing, everything working together in unison, muscles we didn’t even know existed working.

Dance.

Dancers tell stories with their bodies. I’ve taken a dance class but by no means consider myself a dancer. What they do, what they transmit is beyond words sometimes.

Combine these two together and you have me dreaming, wanting to sing at the top of my lungs, dancing with no restrictions, laugh, cry but most of all present in the moment. The moment is mine, the minutes may pass, the days may pass and some may be filled with adversities. In those moments, although I may not always realize it, I feel most alive. For those moments I am grateful.

A la prochaine lovely readers,

De moi pour toi

How Eat Pray Love became an Ode to Family

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Bonsoir Tout le monde!

  Eat Pray Love is one of my favourite movies, and the book is on my go to-shelf. (Books with easy access that I frequently turn to) Julia Roberts being my favourite actress cast as Elizabeth Gilbert  in a movie about self discovery and travel is totally up my alley. I could go on forever about my admiration for Julia Roberts and Eat Pray Love in general but it’s an introduction to what I’m writing about today. In the movie, when Julia goes to Rome she meets this Italian woman who has rules about renting her place. She says some funny things like “you American girls,  when you come to Rome all you want is pasta and sausage” (makes hand gesture) It’s funnier when you see it. The thing that stuck with me apart from that funny moment was when she talked about family. She said, in Italian, i’m translating (personally it sounds better in Italian, on the bucket list, but I digress) “The only thing that remains, is family.”

And finally after a mini, and trust me that was mini talk about Julia Roberts and Eat Pray Love, I’d like to talk about the person who listens to the end of my epic quoting, singing, rants, theories and ramblings on everything. Seriously, Everything. My absolute favourite person in the world, my big sister.

Where do I even begin?

I could begin by thanking her for incessantly annoying our mom to have me. Can you imagine a life-sized doll who could actually answer and play with you?  I’m not sure if at that moment she knew I would, first, grow up and second grow to incessantly “annoy” her in my pre-teen years. ( me?! could never, but I don’t want to sound one-sided)

Yeah, let’s start there.

I’d like to thank her for many things.

Among many things,  she warmed up the womb for me, by the time I inherited the place it had cooled down. I think it’s perhaps the reason I get cold really easily, guess she didn’t get the mental memo. Funny, she gets them now.

When I was born, things changed radically. My family had just came to a new country, they were getting used to a new language and to top it off a new member of the family. The Canadian.

Growing up with my sister has hilarious stories, like the time she regretted asking for me and asked my mom to give me away because I cried too much. The time she took me to school for show and tell and our mom had the biggest scare of her life, the time I followed her to school (the first time she took me it was so much!) This all happened before I turned 5. Our family should have noted then that we would become inseparable.

We have shared rooms, beds, secrets, bottles of wine, endless portions of food, laughs and above all memories. She is the person I’ll always turn to for guidance and support. The only person I can be myself around, the one who brings out my goody side, who actually thinks I’m funny. (I need to let the funny thing go, I know)  She’ll call me on my crap when needed and back me up when I feel like I’m the only one fighting for a dream that at times feels impossible. We are night and day. I’ve always wondered whether we would be friends if we just met  randomly on the street. Our tastes are so different, picking a movie to watch is a mission. I’ve grown to understand that it’s our ability to compromise and accept our differences that balance us out. And that, makes us a pretty awesome duo.

My sister was a crazy kid she still is inside, as a child she just needed a sidekick. I’m proud and blessed to be that sidekick.

A la Prochaine,

De moi pour toi
Note: I’m totally making her watch Eat Pray Love again tonight =p

 

Usually I’m not a morning person, but this morning…

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Bonsoir tout le monde,

Let me tell you a little story or rather rant just a tad bit. It will be over before you know it. I was looking for Lunch in Paris this morning and could not find it for the life of me, I went through a mental list of  where I could have left it and in the process found instead the make-up bag I lost a week ago. Something so mundane hit me like a ton of bricks. You know when you are looking for something but instead you find something else? It’s a frustrating feeling but finding something especially something you weren’t expecting to find is a relief.

Why am I telling this story?

I got on the bus and still thought about my book, but then I got on the subway and I couldn’t tell you how I got to thinking deeper. It could have been triggered by a song I was listening to. I could have been watching people on the subway, I could have continued to subconciously think about where my book was. But at some point in my commute to work I thought about all the things in our daily lives we passionately look for and how we often, find something else. Then I started to question more, I questioned whether we are able to recognize that which we find as we find it or whether we realize it when and if we look back? Do we go in search of something only to find something else?

Then, at that point or at some point, I thought about where this whole train of thought started.

I was looking for my book to read on the bus.

Has something like this ever happened to you?

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

November is here! Here is November!

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Bonsoir, Buona Sera, Buenas noches, how are you?

I think I started writing this post a million different ways. For some reason I couldn’t start and then I understood. It’s my 30th post! Subconsciously I wanted to do something special, my 30th post falling on the first of November, my birth month. I mean, what are the chances, if I was 30 or turning 30 then it would be serendipity. Have you ever had those moments when you are being honest with yourself and your writing and then you stop? You doubt yourself and the train of thought disappears. Poof it’s gone. your mind is blank, you started thinking  about what you were writing about or what to write.  You weren’t present in the moment. I think when you write everyday you begin to get a sense of when you are present. I tried to plan out this post. loosely I guess. I wanted to do something involving the start of a new month and how we should see it as a new beginning I was gonna look for an awesome quote to tie it all together. Boom.

And in that moment of silence, of losing my train of thought, of doubt, I realized something. I held my breath in my head, hoping it was going to be something massive. But it came out so simply. Two words.

Be honest.

Be yourself.

Everyday is an opportunity to make a new beginning, most of us feel the rush on the first.

First dates. First kisses. First day of school. First day at work. First day of the month. First day of the year.

I hope you have all had a lovely November 1st.

and that’s the 30th post.

A la prochaine,

De moi pour toi

Friends are like flowers, or in my case she’s a clumsy, christmas caroling, Italian

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Bonsoir tout le monde,

I think that people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes people enter your life for a brief moment.  I like to think of these people as those who are meant to show you something, they bring a lesson.These people walk along your path, but every path always has twists and turns, they have crosswalks. When you have learned the lessons they have taught you and you have taught them some lessons they continue along thier path and you continue along yours.

Then there are those who when you first meet them, there’s an instant connection. These people feel like old souls, as if you’ve met before or there’s a feeling of significance, you can’t describe it or explain it for that matter.  But you get the feeling that they will be around for a long time.

I’ve always wondered how people can  have friends they’ve known since kindergarden, or maintain friendships with people who live overseas. This thought has always baffled me, until recently, or rather today.

Today I spent the day with my best friend, I never have friends over because there’s not really much to do at my place and my area isn’t exciting.There’s really nothing to do. Usually i’ll meet people downtown, we’ll grab coffee, a drink, maybe catch a movie, go to theatre. It’s always an adventure i’ll tell you that much.

When I think back we didn’t do anything uber exciting.  We stayed at my place, shared a meal, watched some movies, and took a trip down memory lane. I remember the first day we met, it was at a young artist group. You know that feeling when your in a room full of people you don’t know and are meeting for the first time. It feels awkward, tense. You don’t know whether to introduce yourself or to wait till the icebreaker happens.

She was sitting on her own, and I don’t know how to explain it but I was curious about her. I waited till we went around the group and introduced ourselves, at the end of the session I went up to her and asked her if she was hispanic because her name sounded hispanic and she answered no i’m Italian but I get hispanic a lot.

6 years later, she’s sitting on my couch watching grown ups and has just given me a painting of a street that we walked along in Nice. Its funny because those years have flown by.

Our friendship grows a little more as each day goes by.

I am happy and honoured to have her in my life.

And suddenly, I understand how people can be friends for a lifetime, it takes work, but it doesn’t feel like work when your having fun.

A la prochaine,

De moi, pour toi

Some observations on solitude and life, Ramblings, really

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Bonsoir lovely people!

Today was a day full of observations, fleeting moments of inspiration. It felt like everything i saw I wanted to write about or comment about. I thought about how awesome it would be to share it with you, then the little voice happened.

You know that little voice.

The one that comes in and says well maybe they don’t want to hear about it. It’s boring. It’s everyday life. Who wants to read about that?

Or it says,  too many ideas just focus on one, that way you could flesh what you want to say in detail.

Then, I dont know about you, but I get anxious.

All of a sudden I don’t know what  to write, the little voice has a comment on everything i’m thinking of.

Did I mention this was happening on the bus?

I was sitting in absolute silence, in a bus full of strangers and it felt like they weren’t there.

I mean, I actually forgot they were there.

Everyone was either listening to music, reading a book, or texting.

We were all on that bus together yet we were all alone, no one interacted.

I find it so strange and so normal all at the same time.

I mean, who doesn’t like listening to their favourite tunes on the way to work or being caught up in the latest twist and turns of an awesome book or catching up with a friend via text?

Then I start to think about humanity all together and I get anxious again.

But finally there’s something about movement and solitude where now the little voice is telling you something rather than suggesting crap that makes you feel bad.

I realized:

Sometimes you have to a learn a lesson a few times in order to really understand it. As if the lesson has layers. And when you do understand the lesson you realize there’s still another way to understand it. That, in itself is another lesson.

I realized and understood that what you are most ” authentic” when you think no one is looking.

I’d like to share a picture with you. It was taken a few years back when I was part a youth theatre program. Looking at it today, I have no idea what I was thinking or feeling in that moment. To me, the picture can speak for itself.

And i’m happy with that.

Take that, little voice!

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A la prochaine,

De moi, pour toi